What the fuck was I thinking?

Omg I'm having a slight panic attack. It started in the grocery store. When I realized I was buying groceries for a guy who is coming to see me from VANCOUVER!!!!! OMG! What was I thinking? I am so scared. All I have to remember is "I am in control" I don't have to do anything I don't want to do and if I so wish I can send him away. UGGHHHH. I wish I could talk to a friend right now. Put things into perspective. I need to breath. Just breath. Everything is going to be just fine. It's just a date....overnight. For a day or more. I am FREAKING THE FUCK OUT! Ok ok, I'm being silly. Just silly. I know this guy, well I don't know this guy, I know his family. They are good people. So he's got to be right? I don't have any alarm bells. Usually I do. *five minute pause* This is ridiculous. LOL simply Re-Donk-u-lous. LOL oh well, I guess we'll see what happens.

Hard up?

So today my mom and I went shopping. You know your in trouble when your mom is telling you to get laid. She went shit crazy when she thought I may have a date. She said I needed some sexy matching underwear. She was pulling stuff out of the sale rack at the Bay left and right. You should have seen the pajama's she grabbed. I said "mom, lets go on the first date and then see where it goes". Oh ok she says and smiles. "It's not like I haven't had opportunities Mom, I just haven't wanted to"....

Oh lord.

Proceed with Caution

So I couldn't figure out why I couldn't sleep last night. My mind was going. Thinking about collateral damage. I find I get my a-ha moments a lot in the shower. I don't know if it's because I am relaxed and all I have to focus on is the warm water and my eyes are closed and then things just pop into my head. Less distractions? my guard is down? I realized I was scared. Scared of being hurt. Scared of being disappointed. Scared of it not working out and hurting someone else. I recall a conversation last week between a friend and I about why I used to only date guys who were "unavailable" meaning...emotionally or relationship wise. It was because I was using it to protect myself. Protect myself from pain, loss and abandonment. She also thought that might be why I am not losing weight - as a protection barrier from love too. Food for thought (no pun intended) I know some girls put men through "the test" (I've done it) this is where they are a total bitch and pull every asshole thing in the book to see if the guy is going to stay or go. I on the other hand didn't have to worry because I could call the shots. One night stands...dating for a few months then becoming BORED. Just whatever excuse to lose them once I decided it was getting a little too much or before they dumped me. I had the control.

So I had this light-bulb moment. I realized I was looking forward to hearing from this guy, I would look at my email to see if I had something new in my inbox. I would look at my call display to see if he had called. I enjoy talking to him on the phone. He's funny, respectful, manly. It snuck up on me...sort of grew on me like moss or mould. I called him last night. He said he was going to call me then I thought maybe I screwed up his schedule but no. He called me and said sorry and how he said he was going to call Sunday and he didn't and I caught myself before I said "that's ok, I'm used to guys disappointing me" WHOA! What the hell! It's because I let them. hmm baggage. Need more work on myself I see. And I am more aware of what someone says vs their actions. I am being cautious now. No need to rush. I need to learn about myself a bit more. There is a reasone why we have two eyes and two ears and only one mouth. Talk less, listen & see more.

Verbal diarrhea, mental purge.

Last night after I read the email from my Exes Mom I thought - how dare you? You have no right to say any of those things to me! You are so misinformed and delusional that you are not willing to see the truth for what it is! I have seen how this woman has behaved in front of her own grandchildren bad mouthing her daughter's ex as well. The whole family is fucked. Last night I was hurt by her words. But today I am angry and agitated. These fucking people won't leave me alone! I know I have to go to the police about this and I am not looking forward to it but this behavior is harassment!

I am reading a lot lately because I don't want to make the same mistakes in my past so I am trying to learn from this. How did I get here? What could I have done differently? Why did I attract this into my life? Some things that come to mind is I let things go meaning I didn't put my foot down when things bothered me. I didn't say this behavior is unacceptable or I won't put up with this....for fear I would be alone or not liked. Low self esteem? desperation? So...I say to myself...where did that get you? (ponder)Well, it got me nine years two homes, more than 30 grand in debt and alone. On the bright side I am out of that situation, I learned a HECK of a lot about myself and what I wanted in life and I know what I will not put up with anymore.

I want to be wanted. I want to have people call me and want to spend time with me. Not out of obligation but because they enjoy my company and want to know how I'm doing and what's new in my life. That goes for romantic involvement too. Sometimes I wonder if I'm weird or demanding or overbearing or needy or just plain boring? I grew up as an only child. I have learned to be by myself and not need anyone to keep myself entertained but I know when people describe others as "an only child" everybody nods and groans like there is a "characteristic" they have which makes me wonder if I have that? Spoilt brat syndrome? Doesn't play well with others?

When I wrote this I was sitting in the sun with my itouch in the wilderness alone while I could hear talking and laughter of families and friends who where hiking through the trails on this long weekend making memories. I WANT THAT! I want a long weekend with my own little unit. I want the everyday stuff too. I want to build a life and a future with someone together. Now, how the fuck am I going to make that happen? I know I'm just supposed to just let it happen but I need to be actively doing things to put me in places to be open to the Universe. I need to take an "active" role in my life not a "passive" role. Otherwise I would sit on the couch every evening in my pj's watching a recording of Oprah or Nate Berkus eating microwavable popcorn. I need to get out of my head for a little while and just enjoy life.

Breaking these chains

Well the ex has continued to text me and call me since I first broke up with him in December and the last straw was this afternoon today. He text me and said that our/his neice asked if I left like her Dad left her Mom. He wanted to get a reaction out of me and he did. I was so upset and mad. I said "I am not a deadbeat partner who fucked someone else and did drugs and left two children behind" WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS????? He drew me into another conversation because he's good at that. He's a manipulator. He got 1000 bucks out of his mom from his father's death benefit. And TOOK IT! His mom doesn't work! She is sick with Cancer! WTF is WRONG WITH YOU????!!!!!! Then I had to go for a walk just to calm down I was so upset and while I was on my walk I thought about how I got to this place? Why had I let him continue to do this? I decided I needed to block his communication. So I also decided to go to a friends place to be distracted. I ended up spending some nice time with them both for a really enjoyable evening. I got home to find an email from his mother pretty much saying "either tell him to go or get back together because he still has hope and life is too short if you love each other etc etc" Is this a guilt tactic? Hellooooo I fucking told your son how many times???? Besides it's none of your business! End of DISCUSSION! I sent him a text saying what's wrong with your mom and he said she's missing her husband who passed away in January etc etc. I said this situation will not change (meaning me living alone and not seeing him or talking with him/ no future). I realized you just tried to get a reaction out of me when you told me about the neice this afternoon and if you contact me again I will have to contact the police. I'm done.

What I have realized is even tho I have moved out and thought I had moved on. I was still stuck I don't know how else to say it or explain it. It was me blocking the Universe from anything that could possibly give me joy. I would continue to bring that bad energy with me to whatever future relationship I had until I changed myself and how I reacted and learned from this. I am finally free!

The Moral of the Story

I have been reading lots of books lately. I never read books. Actually two friends lent me books. One was The power of intention by Wayne Dyer, the other one was He's just not that into you. I also bought Act like a lady, think like a man by Steve Harvey. I am also reading a copy of The Secret that I have had for a few years and didn't have the time or the inclination to read it. My excuses were I can't concentrate, I don't have time etc etc. So now I have lots of time, I have motivation to do so and I have a reason to read. Not that people don't have a reason but when you have a personal investment in something then it spurs you on to gain knowledge. I finished one book and I am a third of the way through on the other three. I was at the book store the other day and also asked the woman behind the counter "Do you have any books on self help - specifically for relationships and how men and women are different" She nodded and have me that sympathetic look and said "yes, we have a self help section and in that we have one specifically on relationships" I knew that look she gave me....the knowing look like "oh that poor dear, she's working out her stuff" sympathy? pity? Whatever! I'm at least trying to dig into what I could do to make myself better. Whether it be a better communicator or just a better understanding of my self and how I interact with others and how to be assertive vs aggressive. Which brings me to the next book I want to read Why men date bitches. HA HA

While reading these books I have reflected on the past years of my life in general as well as my dating life. Through high school, the bar scene, serious relationships etc. I have found when I asked for what I wanted I noticed guy's would ditch me so what I would do to compensate was I wouldn't ask for what I wanted anymore and then they would stick around. What I have found is all the books have said you need to do that, you need to ask for what you want because then you are going to get that quality person that respects you for who you are and all the things you believe in and stand for. If a guy really likes you and wants to have something more than just a Bootie call he will be willing to put in the time and be more than OK with your standards. Bootie calls are fine, if that's what you want. There is a time and a place for those but if your too busy "gettin' busy" it's going to be a cock block for mister right. Not Mister right now.

The moral of the story - be yourself. Ask for what you want, do not settle for less because your only cheating yourself.

Bye Bye Birdy

Why am I so angry? I am really struggling with happiness today.


I am pissed off first last night because this guy I liked didn't call when I wanted him too then he gave me this excuse that his cell phone died and they had a bite to eat after golf blah blah blah so he text's at 8:15pm. Ya it's not too late but he said he was going to call after golf. He didn't, his excuse is legitimate but he has also kind of blown me off in the past so I really didn't feel like being understanding. I decided to tell him that I was not going to wait around for phone call, I'm worth more than that! Why do I feel bad? I wanted it to work out. This sucks. Then to add feul to the fire I looked up my ex on twitter and his blog. Well didn't he go to California? The place that I wanted to go on for my holidays that I am using up right now as I type because I had to buy stupid tires for my car(because I'm responsible). And I wonder how he made it down there? On his minimum wage job in the car he bought with the money that he should have paid me or my mom back with? But he doesn't see it as that. He feels it is OWED to him. I am so fucking angry right now. As always his priorities are different than mine. I do want fun in my life, that is something he seems to make sure he has whatever the cost.

I have been reading the secret and the power of intention and I want to know how have I manifested this? I tried to meditate last night and practice being grateful and it worked for a little while but then I woke up this morning beginning to bubble and fester with anger again. I tried again to be grateful. Grateful for the home I bought by myself, the choices I have made, good supportive friends I have around me, the people who want to spend time with me. People who appreciate who I am. I definetly felt a push/pull with the guy. Like he wanted to keep in contact but he didn't really want to make a huge effort and everytime I wrote him off in my head he would make contact. It seemed like he wanted to just golf and hang with his buddies. To me that is someone who isn't grown up. I delt with that for the last nine years. I didn't want to go through that again.

I want the total package. I want it to be easy. I want someone to see what a great catch I am and think "WOW, if I don't grab onto her now someone else is going to snatch her up" I want to be smitten with the guy, I want to gush about how awesome he is and how good he is and conciderate and that I'm the luckiest girl in the world. I want someone as nice and kind and caring as me.I need to remind myself I am beautiful. I am smart, I am a good person, I am worthy of a good life with all it has to offer including a wonderful loving partner. I feel crummy right now but I am going to go to the gym and bring love back into my heart because I believe I deserve better.

Sorry?

Sorry? What does that really mean? Sorry I called bullshit on you? Sorry I wouldn't put up with a half ass excuse? Sorry you got caught? I think those sorry's are full of shit and if I slapped you shit would fly....oh wait is that a little bullshit on the side of your mouth? I thought so.

Whatever chump. Don't play me. I just got nine years of training on playin'.

If you know me, you love me.

So in my balls out style I am not one to sit there and wait. I am impatient. So very impatient. I am used to setting my mind to something and getting it. So this is no stretch of the imagination. I needed to know. I had to break the ice I had to let my freak fly!

So I texted him. Mister text-a-holic. My text non-boyfriend who I'm not dating. I wrote "I have 39 and a half minutes free. You wanna make out?"

Yes, that's what I wrote. I wrote it and I sent it. Either way I will know if he's not that into me. Or it will open the dialogue that maybe touches on the subject of "look I'm not interested in a textual relationship; I would actually like to see you." But let me tell ya, it was freakin' scary typing those words...thinking "what if he says ya ok! or no not interested, or whatever....but oh well. I will know and make a decision from that response.

Dude! Wake up and smell the pheromones!

"The purest union that can exist between
a man and a woman is that created
by the sense of smell and sanctioned
by the brain's normal assimilation
of the animate molecules emitted
by the secretions produced by two bodies
in contact and sympathy,
and in their subsequent evaporation."
(Auguste Galopin in "The Perfume of Women and the Sense of Smell in Love")

Taking a breather

Ok, ok, I am calming down now. Peace, loving kindness, blah blah blah...

I think because this behavior bewilders me that it is not in my best interest to continue to stay in contact with this person.

Buck up and be a man or shove off dude.

I got shit to do.

Why are men so fucking stupid or rephrase that - Why am I so stupid for waiting around????

WTF? MEN!

I read the book. WHY OH WHY IS HE STILL TEXTING ME???? Why not just ask me on a date? Are you stringing me along? Are you interested or just being polite?

Jesus Christ just shit already or get off the pot!

OK my rant is done.

Random Act's of Kindness

Today I was coming home from the gym and I could see a girl struggling with this huge chest of drawer's in her hand (plastic not wood people) anyways I said to her I'll get the door for you. Her face lit up and she said "oh thankyou" I got the door and hit the elevator button and all of this took a matter of seconds and it totally made her day and it made my day too.

I like to help people it makes me feel good.

Life long learning

I always thought when I heard "Life long learning" (it was drilled into my head in nursing school)it was about keeping up with education and the current medical procedures etc. Now I come to realize that it just doesn't end at your workplace, it actually belongs in all aspects of your life as a human being. I've always thought of myself as openminded but I think I can be quite narrowminded in my presumptive assumptions of people in general as "first impressions" go. I have found that you have no idea what is going on at all. I simply don't know squat!

I have been reevaluating my life a lot lately. As a new single person getting to know myself again and jumping into the dating scene and realizing my own behaviors, insecurities and reactions to things. Then I was getting hard on myself thinking "what is wrong with me?" the what if's, why's, overanalysing. I second guessed my intuition. Then a friend lent me a book. It was a "aha" moment as Oprah would say. I could now let go of the shoulda woulda coulda. I felt like I was a bit of a failure. I thought what makes me feel good? and happy? and what makes me feel successful? I realized my job did and setting goals and obtaining them. I was getting satisfaction out of that because I new at least I could do a good job there even if I felt like I had poor luck/choices/etc in the love department.

I set goals and I attain them. You can see where I'm getting at. To be a nurse I had to go to school and learn about biology, chemistry all the systems of the human body and how if functions and reactions to medications based on chemistry and such. I can't set a goal in the romance department because you are dealing with another human being with it's own mind, judgments, values ideas etc. And CHEMISTRY but you can't measure it - you can however FEEL it! I guess I could try taking a class but I would have no idea where to start. But would that help me to find someone? Someone who liked me for me? Or would it help me with "relationships" in general with people? There comes a point where you just have to throw up your hands and say - Hey, this is me. I am who I am with all my quirks and baggage and someone is either going to like you or they are not and you have to be ok with that.

As Joe Dirt would say "Keep on keepin' on"

I am lovable just as I am right now.

I have been dating. Not seriously dating but I have gone on some dates since January. I find the biggest thing for me is to just be myself and not be impatient or rush things. I have found in the past if I like someone I tend to overcompensate by texting or emailing or making the first move in communication when I should just let it be.I think I am too forward and rush things. I end up probably pushing away guys because they think I'm clingy. I on the other hand think I know what I want. I want a man, not a boy. A man who will pursue me. I want someone who is kind, caring, conciderate, compassionate, thoughtful, goal oriented, has the same priorities as me, sensual, sexy, respectful, loving...an equal partner. Someone who reflects who I am but also brings out the best in me. I need to set healthy boundaries and not get my own needs ignored. I want to know that I am not the only one making the effort. It starts at the beginning. I have asked friends advice on dating since I haven't dated in about a decade! And it feels pretty strange to me. I find I get nervous, an upset stomach, my hands get cold, my knee's get weak I worry about what to wear, how to dress, too much cleavage, not enough then they don't find me attractive, too much and I'm easy, not too doudy but some style. Not too much jewelry, how do I wear my hair? then I realize I am overreacting way too much. I have to talk to myself down and say "Pull yourself together, it's just a fucking date. You are going to be o.k. whether it goes well or not". So I asked my friends "what do I do, should I call etc" Some say no - never call, wait for his move and others say ya, call, be yourself. Lots of advice but at the end of the day like I said I have to be myself, get out there, get exposed (so to speak)Practice makes perfect! I have just learned about this 3 day rule?? Wtf is with that? I have done my homework on eharmony website to learn more about "successful dating" etc. Like remembering men and woman date at different pace. Men take it slow initally after they make contact or have a first date before they get serious. Who knew?

Is smiling from ear to ear

I had a date. A successful date. Why do I think it was a successful date? Eye contact! Physical contact. Smiling. Playfulness. He bought me my drink at the coffee shop and it wasn't akward. It was comfortable and nice and genuine. There was no akward pauses but comfortable silences. If I never see him again I will die a happy woman. But I really hope I have a second date. And a third, fourth...years...decades!

*sigh*

WOW!

I feel like singing the sound of music! I can't wipe this smile off my face! ~ "The hills are alive......"

Back on track

I have been trying to get back into the gym. I find I feel better when I have had a good sweat. I know I have a long way to go since I have been pretty inactive this past year but no time like the present! Lots of time on my hands. Once I get the activity down then I have to get the food back in order and my daily vitamins which I am hit and miss about but I notice when I don't take them. I got a lot done today. I exercised this morning, then had a friend over for coffee and a light brunch. I drove out to see my mom and get my hair done. I went for a walk, did some grocery shopping and meal prep for the next few weeks. I got some bills paid today as well. I feel like my life is getting on track.

Leaps and bounds

So it's been just over a week I have been in my new home. It feels really good to know I have done this on my own. Not without a little help from my friends that is for sure. But to realize your own strength and potential. Occasionally I get lonely in the evening since there is nothing to occupy my time as I have unpacked everything now. Really, how many times can you fold and organize your underwear drawer? I reflect over the last few months - I have become single, lived with two different families, house sat three different homes, paid off some debt, sold one home and purchased another, moved three times, got a new job in a completely new environment with completely new people. I changed my gym membership of fourteen years and haven't completely lost my mind and only got one parking ticket and one speeding ticket. And no one died. I say that is something to celebrate! Woohoo! And as I sit here itching to do something I say to myself "Now what?" I pulled out my art today and thought I must do this when I am feeling lonely and bored. Also I thought I should work on my VISION's board for my long term and short term goals for the future. Once I make my mind up on something I become focused and I make shit happen. I like when that happens, I hate floundering like a fish. There is also something to be said for routine and tradition. I enjoyed spending time with my last friends who had a routine of a fun food night on Friday and hanging out watching particular shows together. It gives you something to look forward to in the short term. I guess what I have realized is maybe I have put the grieving process on hold a little bit by living with people and keeping busy but now it real. I must remind myself why I left and that it wasn't really the last straw but many many bundles of twig's over time that built up to this thing over time. A big calcification around my heart. No matter how much "I promise" or how many times he says "I have changed" it still doesn't erase the behavior that went on over time. I just shake my head with the comments like "all the things I've done to you doesn't even measure up to how cruel you were over the phone" "you gave your last boyfriend three chances" "we're both not getting any younger I want to be married to you and have children and I know we can get through this" "you didn't try hard enough, we should have went for councilling" etc etc etc. I was a caring, supportive partner for many years. I was understanding and wanted him to want to be a better person. I finally realized that he was who he was and that I was wanting something different out of life and I knew he couldn't give it to me. He didn't want to give it to me. He didn't want to give it to himself, or even knew what he wanted and at 40 years old you should have your shit worked out by then. I am grateful for he has given me the gift of getting to know myself better.