Bye Bye Birdy

Why am I so angry? I am really struggling with happiness today.


I am pissed off first last night because this guy I liked didn't call when I wanted him too then he gave me this excuse that his cell phone died and they had a bite to eat after golf blah blah blah so he text's at 8:15pm. Ya it's not too late but he said he was going to call after golf. He didn't, his excuse is legitimate but he has also kind of blown me off in the past so I really didn't feel like being understanding. I decided to tell him that I was not going to wait around for phone call, I'm worth more than that! Why do I feel bad? I wanted it to work out. This sucks. Then to add feul to the fire I looked up my ex on twitter and his blog. Well didn't he go to California? The place that I wanted to go on for my holidays that I am using up right now as I type because I had to buy stupid tires for my car(because I'm responsible). And I wonder how he made it down there? On his minimum wage job in the car he bought with the money that he should have paid me or my mom back with? But he doesn't see it as that. He feels it is OWED to him. I am so fucking angry right now. As always his priorities are different than mine. I do want fun in my life, that is something he seems to make sure he has whatever the cost.

I have been reading the secret and the power of intention and I want to know how have I manifested this? I tried to meditate last night and practice being grateful and it worked for a little while but then I woke up this morning beginning to bubble and fester with anger again. I tried again to be grateful. Grateful for the home I bought by myself, the choices I have made, good supportive friends I have around me, the people who want to spend time with me. People who appreciate who I am. I definetly felt a push/pull with the guy. Like he wanted to keep in contact but he didn't really want to make a huge effort and everytime I wrote him off in my head he would make contact. It seemed like he wanted to just golf and hang with his buddies. To me that is someone who isn't grown up. I delt with that for the last nine years. I didn't want to go through that again.

I want the total package. I want it to be easy. I want someone to see what a great catch I am and think "WOW, if I don't grab onto her now someone else is going to snatch her up" I want to be smitten with the guy, I want to gush about how awesome he is and how good he is and conciderate and that I'm the luckiest girl in the world. I want someone as nice and kind and caring as me.I need to remind myself I am beautiful. I am smart, I am a good person, I am worthy of a good life with all it has to offer including a wonderful loving partner. I feel crummy right now but I am going to go to the gym and bring love back into my heart because I believe I deserve better.