Leaps and bounds

So it's been just over a week I have been in my new home. It feels really good to know I have done this on my own. Not without a little help from my friends that is for sure. But to realize your own strength and potential. Occasionally I get lonely in the evening since there is nothing to occupy my time as I have unpacked everything now. Really, how many times can you fold and organize your underwear drawer? I reflect over the last few months - I have become single, lived with two different families, house sat three different homes, paid off some debt, sold one home and purchased another, moved three times, got a new job in a completely new environment with completely new people. I changed my gym membership of fourteen years and haven't completely lost my mind and only got one parking ticket and one speeding ticket. And no one died. I say that is something to celebrate! Woohoo! And as I sit here itching to do something I say to myself "Now what?" I pulled out my art today and thought I must do this when I am feeling lonely and bored. Also I thought I should work on my VISION's board for my long term and short term goals for the future. Once I make my mind up on something I become focused and I make shit happen. I like when that happens, I hate floundering like a fish. There is also something to be said for routine and tradition. I enjoyed spending time with my last friends who had a routine of a fun food night on Friday and hanging out watching particular shows together. It gives you something to look forward to in the short term. I guess what I have realized is maybe I have put the grieving process on hold a little bit by living with people and keeping busy but now it real. I must remind myself why I left and that it wasn't really the last straw but many many bundles of twig's over time that built up to this thing over time. A big calcification around my heart. No matter how much "I promise" or how many times he says "I have changed" it still doesn't erase the behavior that went on over time. I just shake my head with the comments like "all the things I've done to you doesn't even measure up to how cruel you were over the phone" "you gave your last boyfriend three chances" "we're both not getting any younger I want to be married to you and have children and I know we can get through this" "you didn't try hard enough, we should have went for councilling" etc etc etc. I was a caring, supportive partner for many years. I was understanding and wanted him to want to be a better person. I finally realized that he was who he was and that I was wanting something different out of life and I knew he couldn't give it to me. He didn't want to give it to me. He didn't want to give it to himself, or even knew what he wanted and at 40 years old you should have your shit worked out by then. I am grateful for he has given me the gift of getting to know myself better.