Proceed with Caution

So I couldn't figure out why I couldn't sleep last night. My mind was going. Thinking about collateral damage. I find I get my a-ha moments a lot in the shower. I don't know if it's because I am relaxed and all I have to focus on is the warm water and my eyes are closed and then things just pop into my head. Less distractions? my guard is down? I realized I was scared. Scared of being hurt. Scared of being disappointed. Scared of it not working out and hurting someone else. I recall a conversation last week between a friend and I about why I used to only date guys who were "unavailable" meaning...emotionally or relationship wise. It was because I was using it to protect myself. Protect myself from pain, loss and abandonment. She also thought that might be why I am not losing weight - as a protection barrier from love too. Food for thought (no pun intended) I know some girls put men through "the test" (I've done it) this is where they are a total bitch and pull every asshole thing in the book to see if the guy is going to stay or go. I on the other hand didn't have to worry because I could call the shots. One night stands...dating for a few months then becoming BORED. Just whatever excuse to lose them once I decided it was getting a little too much or before they dumped me. I had the control.

So I had this light-bulb moment. I realized I was looking forward to hearing from this guy, I would look at my email to see if I had something new in my inbox. I would look at my call display to see if he had called. I enjoy talking to him on the phone. He's funny, respectful, manly. It snuck up on me...sort of grew on me like moss or mould. I called him last night. He said he was going to call me then I thought maybe I screwed up his schedule but no. He called me and said sorry and how he said he was going to call Sunday and he didn't and I caught myself before I said "that's ok, I'm used to guys disappointing me" WHOA! What the hell! It's because I let them. hmm baggage. Need more work on myself I see. And I am more aware of what someone says vs their actions. I am being cautious now. No need to rush. I need to learn about myself a bit more. There is a reasone why we have two eyes and two ears and only one mouth. Talk less, listen & see more.