Last night after I read the email from my Exes Mom I thought - how dare you? You have no right to say any of those things to me! You are so misinformed and delusional that you are not willing to see the truth for what it is! I have seen how this woman has behaved in front of her own grandchildren bad mouthing her daughter's ex as well. The whole family is fucked. Last night I was hurt by her words. But today I am angry and agitated. These fucking people won't leave me alone! I know I have to go to the police about this and I am not looking forward to it but this behavior is harassment!
I am reading a lot lately because I don't want to make the same mistakes in my past so I am trying to learn from this. How did I get here? What could I have done differently? Why did I attract this into my life? Some things that come to mind is I let things go meaning I didn't put my foot down when things bothered me. I didn't say this behavior is unacceptable or I won't put up with this....for fear I would be alone or not liked. Low self esteem? desperation? So...I say to myself...where did that get you? (ponder)Well, it got me nine years two homes, more than 30 grand in debt and alone. On the bright side I am out of that situation, I learned a HECK of a lot about myself and what I wanted in life and I know what I will not put up with anymore.
I want to be wanted. I want to have people call me and want to spend time with me. Not out of obligation but because they enjoy my company and want to know how I'm doing and what's new in my life. That goes for romantic involvement too. Sometimes I wonder if I'm weird or demanding or overbearing or needy or just plain boring? I grew up as an only child. I have learned to be by myself and not need anyone to keep myself entertained but I know when people describe others as "an only child" everybody nods and groans like there is a "characteristic" they have which makes me wonder if I have that? Spoilt brat syndrome? Doesn't play well with others?
When I wrote this I was sitting in the sun with my itouch in the wilderness alone while I could hear talking and laughter of families and friends who where hiking through the trails on this long weekend making memories. I WANT THAT! I want a long weekend with my own little unit. I want the everyday stuff too. I want to build a life and a future with someone together. Now, how the fuck am I going to make that happen? I know I'm just supposed to just let it happen but I need to be actively doing things to put me in places to be open to the Universe. I need to take an "active" role in my life not a "passive" role. Otherwise I would sit on the couch every evening in my pj's watching a recording of Oprah or Nate Berkus eating microwavable popcorn. I need to get out of my head for a little while and just enjoy life.
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