Happy New Year and New Beginnings ~ Auld Lang Syne

Today is New Years Eve. A symbol of also good things to come in the new year, a blank slate, a new canvas, the world is my oyster. Since I have been house sitting and pet sitting over these last few weeks. I have looked at it as a learning opportunity and to take in things that I find useful and enjoyable into the new year and into my new and improved life. This is helping to chase the blues away. I know I have made the right decision and as each day goes by it gets a bit easier. I start to look forward to things I didn't before. I have hope. I have had the opportunity to watch the caring of animals both young and old. Dogs and cats and their range of needs as a responsible pet owner. I have also had the opportunity to enjoy people's homes while I have been house sitting and how they organize their home and the things that I like most about them I want to bring into my life when I have my own place again. The little conveniences I forget about. I want to embrace my femininity and my "girly" side. I have seen a great idea for how to see my goals appear by visualization. I realize how I like to plan ahead and work towards a long term goal. How I enjoyed the idea of a long term relationship with an equal partner. To organize and maintain a home and to entertain those that I love like friends and family. To pursue a new job. To travel to new destinations. Meeting new people. New relationships. I am just so excited! I can't wait!

Practice makes perfect

I have downloaded the Loving Kindness Deepak Chopra itouch application and I am doing my best to love myself. I have found the first time I listened to it I got very emotional I think because obviously it hit a nerve. Especially the part where we have to repeat it to ourselves ~ I am a beautiful person, I am a wonderful person, I am perfect exactly the way I am.


I am learning to love myself and be kind to myself. I am trying to focus on exactly what I want for my future and what that will look like.

I trust that everything comes at the perfect time and in the perfect way. Exercise is fun and gives me energy. I create many opportunities to exercise and move my body.

I give back to others any burdens that are theirs to carry, thus allowing them to make their own life work.

I got what I wanted so why am I sad?

I'm sad and having a little cry and that's ok. He finally signed the papers to list on MLS. He did what I asked so why am I sad? Because it's the end of something. I am greiving. He's sad too but he didn't really give me a choice in the matter. He just doesn't have the same goals as I did. He didn't have the work ethic I did. I just wanted him to take some adult responsibility. I felt like I worked harder than he did. Twelve hour shifts, nights, weekends. Got groceries, cleaned the house, made sure there was change for laundry.... I wanted to take the easy route but I couldn't because he wouldn't hold up his end and be an equal.So I took on all of the responsibility. I felt he didn't want to work anymore, he constantly complained when he did have a job how much he hated it. He wanted to be a vagabon, travel the world and work where he travelled. He didn't want the daily responsibilities of a life. He wanted to dream about travelling. He had big ideas but had no plan on how to get the ideas to happen. He was so focused on the future of retiring he didn't live in the now and just enjoy each moment with me. Like go for a walk or sit by the ocean and talk or play "what would you do if you won the lotto".....Where did the communication break down and he stopped listening and I stopped caring? Too many times I see people get caught up in attaining material things or get into the grind or routine of going to work and going through the motions. Its so easy to become that hampster on the wheel. Get up, go to work, come home and go to bed. And repeat x5 days. I don't really know what I'm trying to say. It's not one thing it's everything. I don't regret my decision I just need to focus on my future now. Moving forward.

Positive thinking, visualization and my five year plan

I have decided to focus on my future not my past but savor my presents in the moment. I am going to use my energy positively to make the life I want. I will continue to learn about myself and try to be the healthiest me I can be both physically and mentally. I will do it in the following ways:

I am not going to wallow in what was or could have been but what I have now and the bright future. I will continue to surround myself in positive healthy people, families and couples. In the next few weeks I will make a five year plan.

Is happy, then mad, then sad.....

I felt really good today. Light. Then I had to deal with this real estate bullshit again. And I got mad. Mad Mad Mad! Do I really need to get a lawyer involved because you going to be a total dick? Do I have to go there? Right now he is calculating how to get the most out of the situation and how to cause the least amount of hardship to himself. Motherfucker.

Then I told him how I felt like he used me. And he replies with how sorry he is that he has caused me this grief and that he said I am the best person he has ever had the pleasure to have be part of his life, and that I'm an amazing person. That he was very lucky to have me love and care about him.


Why were you such a fucking idiot to be such a bastard? Why did I put up with it? You big jerk. I hate you! And I miss you too.

I am so sad. You prick!

No more chances

It's almost been a week after the breakup and I am slowly feeling better. People have been saying I look better. Different. I have been physically feeling better, not the same neck ache I usually do. No tightness in my chest around my heart. I feel like I can breath. Unfortuneatly, my ex is not taking it well and won't sign for the listing of our realestate until he talks to me. I don't want to talk or listen anymore. He is putting what I want second. Again. Eventho I have broken up with him he is still able to slow up the process and do what he wants to do. I am tired of it. There is nothing that a councillor will fix. I am done. There are no more chances. I have given him 8 or 9 years worth of chances. I am moving on with my life.

Money talks, bullshit walks.

I don't really know what to say today. I just finished work. Met a girlfriend for 30 min of cardio which was the best thing for me. Work was busy, I had my little preceptee student there. I was a bit shaky, my knee's felt like they were going to give out at any moment, like big let blocks, walking like Frankenstein, minus the lobotomy scar. I guess because I had just gotten a call from the realtor saying she contacted my ex about the selling of the property. For some reason I felt the need to call his good friend after I had talked to the realtor. They are good people. I respect them, I didn't want them to think that I was just giving up thinking about this lightly because I hadn't. I thought I heard a edge of irritation in his voice but then I realized he was starting his shift at work. "Are you working" "Yup, just about to start." "Well I just wanted to know if you had talked to him, I think he needs you" He said "yup, just been talking to him for about the last hour" "ok then I'll let you go" "Hey just because things are over between you two doesn't mean that you can call if you need anything or the wife" "You should call the wife" "I can't right now, I'll talk to you guys later" My ex had also found stuff I had left behind and put it in a box and a dress I guess, I really didn't think my friends had left anything behind. Who knows but Mom said he had a funny look on his face. She couldn't figure it out. I said was it saddness or grief and she said no it was like he was pissed off, like the rug was pulled out from under him. Hello! Thats how I had to do it, he would have talked and talked and talked just like he always does and then I get all dizzy and believe what he says, that things will be alright but he just doesn't show the goods. He has the plan but doesn't follow through...I am so done with that. He's good at one thing I know for sure - bullshit

Overwhelmed with love

I am telling you I was not looking forward to packing today. I had a shitload of friends lined up and I was just counting the minutes. I killed some time at the gym just going through the motions. And then I finally thought, I need to go take a shower in my own home. I went back to the condo and he wasn't there. He said he wouldn't be but I wasn't really sure. I went straight to my computer to check my email and funny enough he had sent an email to me 3 minutes before. I thought "Is he watching me? Weird" it went onto say that he hoped I'd change my mind and that he couldn't think of not waking up next to me and maybe with this time away that I would realize how much he loved me. Delete. I had a little cry, felt sorry for myself and then said "he is trying to rope you in again." At that moment the phone rang and I jumped "Hello?" whew it was friends, then people started to arrive, it was a room full of bodies almost like a party - laughing and joking but with hard working good solid people who were here for a common goal to help me. I was so overwhelmed I just couldn't express how much it meant to me today to have all of these awesome people around both in body and in spirit. I am amazed at what a solid group of friends I have. It has deeply affected me in the most poignant way. I really and truly love each and every one of them very much. I knew at that moment that I was on the right path. How could I not be? No one had ever questioned my decision - as a good friend pointed out. Concidering I was dreading this day this morning, I think it turned out pretty good.

Freedom

I didn't sleep all night last night and my neck is so in spasm it's driving me batty but I got up, showered, packed a bag and waited. Waited until he came home with my car and then I left. I said "I'm going for a massage and a chiro then to a friend's, I'll be home by around 5pm so make some dinner" and he said "with what?" oh ya thats right, you don't buy groceries....EVER! I left and went and bought a lock for the storage locker that will be delivered tomorrow and then I went to my councillor's appointment. I was early so I decided to call my realtor to give her the heads up about what was really going on and she had said just two days before that my ex "needed to get his shit together, he was 40 years old" Thank you, for validating my own feelings. So I went to the appointment and sat in the waiting room. Crying. Blowing my nose and having to pee because my adrenaline had been going for days. I was doing some self talk "your doing the right thing, your not happy, he's taken advantage of you for way too long" I saw my councillor and she said " I have thought of you often, every time I drive by Kettle Creak I think of you in your little house with your dog in your yard" So how are you? I said "I'm telling him today" "I need you for support" We talked about what I was missing, why I was breaking up with him as she listed it on a sheet of paper. She said "you need to call now so we can debrief after" So I did and she said she was so "honored to share such a raw experience with me and watch my process" She gave me a huge hug and said that now I will need to watch how he play's me. I have some tools that she has told me to use to keep me strong. I called my mom after and she didn't say much but my friends are SO EXCITED! My one friend said you don't look like a woman who's just broken up with her fiance. I have so much support and good solid friend's. I feel like when you put in the effort in things, good things come of it. Thinking of the future right now is overwhelming so I am just going to take it one day at a time and just try and follow my bliss. Do things that make me happy and that are fun and light.

Give your head a shake and wake the fuck up!

Fuck I need to get over this UP and DOWN bullshit rollercoaster of missing him and guilt then pissed off and mad. It just isn't working. Get it through your head! It will never get better and the sooner you get out of this disfunctional life sucking relationship you will feel so much better!

http://www.wikihow.com/Get-Over-a-Break-Up

This website has some useful tools so when I feel like I've made a wrong decision I must remember and list brutally honest why I broke up with this miserable, selfish ego-maniac!

My girlfriend said I am a battered woman. She says you may not think so right now but you will get it later. I thought only battered women were hit? I will have to google that and or talk with my councillor about that one.