Somethings never change.

So I have been MIA for the last year. What happened? I called off the wedding. Nope, I didn't get married but yes he and I are still together. Why? Because I'm waiting for it to get better. Yes I am crazy. Give my head a shake! So he got a job. A minimum wage job, nothing is wrong with that. He tried to appease me. Then he got a good job. A really good job but he didn't like the people in the office. He didn't like the clients that he worked with. He sabbotaged his job and got "dismissed" due to the fact he "didn't fit in with the culture". Then because he worked a certain amount of time he could collect EI while he looked for a job he "really liked" so he collected EI for April to November. I think he's just a lazy fucker and doesn't want to work anymore. He's already complaining about the current job he just got hired at. He "doesn't want to go to work" ~ Hello! Who the fuck does, but we do it anyway! During this past year I went to visit a friend twice in Cupertino. I also went to Hawaii twice~ once for his 40th birthday which he points out he paid for....Ya you know what? I fucking pay for alot here too bucko! And you never pay me back! He said something to me a few days ago that does ring really true ~ "its like we don't want the same things anymore, we're not on the same page" And he's right. I don't want to go travel and teach English. I don't want to live like a vagabon in rags and live out of a bag like he does and the more time goes by he continues to try to go that way. I want a home that feels warm and full of energy. We sit in the living room with him watching TV and I sit on the computer waiting to have an interaction with someone on Facebook. Is it because I don't really want to interact with him anymore? Is it because in the back of my mind I realize this is over and I am just trying to escape my own reality? Anyways back to travelling, yes I love it and yes it was the one thing he and I had in common but that was it. So I also went with my mom to Hawaii for her 60th birthday. It was ok but we don't have a lot in common. I don't know if I just don't have the gift of small talk or if I just have no energy to make an effort in my life right now. Anyways, I have neglected myself and just gone through the motions this year and where has it gotten me? I have neglected myself by not exercising. I actually think I'm depressed and when I went to ask my Doctor about it she said it was my current situation and that I was not "Clinically Depressed". I have been calling in sick at work a lot, which isn't good. I have been looking for work that is strickly days as nights really makes me feel pretty yucky. I have sent out a few resumes but I didn't really put the effort in so I am not suprised that I didn't get a response. While both we were apart this fall: he was in his home town spending time with his sick father and I was gone with my mom he asked me if I missed him. I felt overwhelming guilt. I didn't really miss him. Then I thought why? Because we don't interact? spend time together? He feels that living together under the same roof is spending time together. I think interacting is spending time together but for us it will be him talking and me listening. And he talks alot. Non stop, in circles. He talks about what he wants and thinks I should too because its for my best interest. Ya right. He doesn't listen to me, or he says he listens but then doesn't do as I ask. Which is a long standing issue for me. I am tired. Very, very tired.

I think on the outside I probably look pretty put together but I think I'm a really good faker right now.