I think I don't look forward to anything or get excited about anything is because I think it will never happen. I have been heartbroken before and I don't want to get my hopes up and be let down. An example is going to look at wedding dresses because it will end in divorce, thinking about children because I will be left to be the primary caregiver with no emotional, physical or financial support and because I am worried about how kids are treated in school and how society is now. I don't get my hopes up for a new home because I feel I can only depend on myself. I know it must be a fucked up way of thinking and I wonder if its because of my upbringing. I was encouraged to get a good paying job that I will be able to take care of myself because you can depend on a man because he will either leave you or die. I had a boyfriend say to me once "you expect too much". Is that true? Am I expecting something that is totally unattainable? So I wasn't taught how to look for good qualities in a man. I think I have a really dismal outlook on life. As I look over my posts I think wow, this is really depressing. I think its time I got out of this funk. I need a plan. So I looked around and thought who in my life do I look at and think they have a nice life? The total package? I have two sets of couples who are friends who I think are doing well for themselves. They both seem happy and content. They are married and have been married for at least 4 years or more the both have children. The husband works and comes home in the evening, the husbands don't party but they have their outlets either dirtbiking or computer stuff. They LOVE their wives and children. The wives are strong and know what they want. They both have their own hobbies and seem content. They both love to cook and have outside social groups that they attend. Neither of them are working right now. But prior to their pregnancies they were. The one knew from the beginning she wanted children the other could have gone either way. I think they are happy. I mean they don't advertise their problems but what is a problem to one could be manageable by another. I've always said you have to pick your battles. My one friend keeps things simple. She gets outside once a day, she eats whole foods, she has a routine with her hubby to take time for each other and she makes time for herself by having him look after their child. She is very thoughtful in her actions but she is also fun and spontaneous. I have been complaining to her about my situation since we've known each other. She's very supportive but I'm sure she's tired of hearing my broken record. I know my guy loves me but we have nothing in common as far as I can see. He doesn't like to hike or go for walks (unless its in a different country) He doesn't want to workout or be healthy, he watches tv way too much. He likes to drink and I don't. He wants to move and is restless all the time. He is fixated on something that happened 13 years ago and can't get over it. And he has a bad temper and a vendictive side that is ugly. Now I'm sure your thinking, what the hell did you see in him? At the time I felt comforted and safe but as I got to know him it wasn't all the time. Maybe I waited for it to get better? He was what I needed at the time? I told my friends they should just arrange my marriage as I am a poor judge of a partner. Maybe I need to talk to a professional who can set me straight.