Ugly Duckling

I'm feeling pretty ugly today. Both inside and out. I feel like shit, been eating like crap for weeks, months even. I'm getting my rag. Yes I said rag. I hate feeling this way a week before I start. I get totally crazy, either crying or self loathing, guilt etc. I find I am so down in the dumps lately. I don't know if its because of my current life situation or if its hormones or if I am actually becoming depressed. I am sad because I am treating the person I live with like crap because I feel like crap because of his behavior but now instead of one person being miserable two people are miserable. He's upset because I am always upset and I'm upset that he's trying to fix things. WHAT? That just doesn't make sense. Doesn't someone want to have a partner to help fix things, try and make it work? Why hit bottom and then try? Is that what couples who are married for 50 years have done? Are they still in love? or because you know your head is on the chopping block? And when things are ok are you going to be the louse who goes out to the bar again? Chooses your friends over the person your supposed to marry? I told him I was going on vacation, alone, to see a friend. Even my mom has noticed he is not his outgoing self. Maybe its because he knows the answer too. That he fucked up, too many times and now he can't fix it. He can't charm his way out of this mess. Or is it me? Do I just chronically complain and I should be happy with what I have? Would someone else be happy with this? Am I just over analysing this to death and I'm just procrastinating?If I did have a guy who had all the things that I wanted would I then complain that he was boring or never wanted to do anything? Is my sisterinlaw right? Am I just too picky?

I have decided I need to start eating clean now, starting tomorrow. Its going to be hard. Hard like when I first started it in January. I am quitting coffee again. For a while and doing the herbal tea. Vegies, meat, fiber, water, herbal tea. And exercising regularly again. Start with 20minutes a day and add five minutes every day until I'm up to 45 minutes. And also breaking up the cardio sessions am and pm, if I can't get the full 45 in at that moment. It should be easier on my days off.