What the fuck was I thinking?

Omg I'm having a slight panic attack. It started in the grocery store. When I realized I was buying groceries for a guy who is coming to see me from VANCOUVER!!!!! OMG! What was I thinking? I am so scared. All I have to remember is "I am in control" I don't have to do anything I don't want to do and if I so wish I can send him away. UGGHHHH. I wish I could talk to a friend right now. Put things into perspective. I need to breath. Just breath. Everything is going to be just fine. It's just a date....overnight. For a day or more. I am FREAKING THE FUCK OUT! Ok ok, I'm being silly. Just silly. I know this guy, well I don't know this guy, I know his family. They are good people. So he's got to be right? I don't have any alarm bells. Usually I do. *five minute pause* This is ridiculous. LOL simply Re-Donk-u-lous. LOL oh well, I guess we'll see what happens.

Hard up?

So today my mom and I went shopping. You know your in trouble when your mom is telling you to get laid. She went shit crazy when she thought I may have a date. She said I needed some sexy matching underwear. She was pulling stuff out of the sale rack at the Bay left and right. You should have seen the pajama's she grabbed. I said "mom, lets go on the first date and then see where it goes". Oh ok she says and smiles. "It's not like I haven't had opportunities Mom, I just haven't wanted to"....

Oh lord.

Proceed with Caution

So I couldn't figure out why I couldn't sleep last night. My mind was going. Thinking about collateral damage. I find I get my a-ha moments a lot in the shower. I don't know if it's because I am relaxed and all I have to focus on is the warm water and my eyes are closed and then things just pop into my head. Less distractions? my guard is down? I realized I was scared. Scared of being hurt. Scared of being disappointed. Scared of it not working out and hurting someone else. I recall a conversation last week between a friend and I about why I used to only date guys who were "unavailable" meaning...emotionally or relationship wise. It was because I was using it to protect myself. Protect myself from pain, loss and abandonment. She also thought that might be why I am not losing weight - as a protection barrier from love too. Food for thought (no pun intended) I know some girls put men through "the test" (I've done it) this is where they are a total bitch and pull every asshole thing in the book to see if the guy is going to stay or go. I on the other hand didn't have to worry because I could call the shots. One night stands...dating for a few months then becoming BORED. Just whatever excuse to lose them once I decided it was getting a little too much or before they dumped me. I had the control.

So I had this light-bulb moment. I realized I was looking forward to hearing from this guy, I would look at my email to see if I had something new in my inbox. I would look at my call display to see if he had called. I enjoy talking to him on the phone. He's funny, respectful, manly. It snuck up on me...sort of grew on me like moss or mould. I called him last night. He said he was going to call me then I thought maybe I screwed up his schedule but no. He called me and said sorry and how he said he was going to call Sunday and he didn't and I caught myself before I said "that's ok, I'm used to guys disappointing me" WHOA! What the hell! It's because I let them. hmm baggage. Need more work on myself I see. And I am more aware of what someone says vs their actions. I am being cautious now. No need to rush. I need to learn about myself a bit more. There is a reasone why we have two eyes and two ears and only one mouth. Talk less, listen & see more.

Verbal diarrhea, mental purge.

Last night after I read the email from my Exes Mom I thought - how dare you? You have no right to say any of those things to me! You are so misinformed and delusional that you are not willing to see the truth for what it is! I have seen how this woman has behaved in front of her own grandchildren bad mouthing her daughter's ex as well. The whole family is fucked. Last night I was hurt by her words. But today I am angry and agitated. These fucking people won't leave me alone! I know I have to go to the police about this and I am not looking forward to it but this behavior is harassment!

I am reading a lot lately because I don't want to make the same mistakes in my past so I am trying to learn from this. How did I get here? What could I have done differently? Why did I attract this into my life? Some things that come to mind is I let things go meaning I didn't put my foot down when things bothered me. I didn't say this behavior is unacceptable or I won't put up with this....for fear I would be alone or not liked. Low self esteem? desperation? So...I say to myself...where did that get you? (ponder)Well, it got me nine years two homes, more than 30 grand in debt and alone. On the bright side I am out of that situation, I learned a HECK of a lot about myself and what I wanted in life and I know what I will not put up with anymore.

I want to be wanted. I want to have people call me and want to spend time with me. Not out of obligation but because they enjoy my company and want to know how I'm doing and what's new in my life. That goes for romantic involvement too. Sometimes I wonder if I'm weird or demanding or overbearing or needy or just plain boring? I grew up as an only child. I have learned to be by myself and not need anyone to keep myself entertained but I know when people describe others as "an only child" everybody nods and groans like there is a "characteristic" they have which makes me wonder if I have that? Spoilt brat syndrome? Doesn't play well with others?

When I wrote this I was sitting in the sun with my itouch in the wilderness alone while I could hear talking and laughter of families and friends who where hiking through the trails on this long weekend making memories. I WANT THAT! I want a long weekend with my own little unit. I want the everyday stuff too. I want to build a life and a future with someone together. Now, how the fuck am I going to make that happen? I know I'm just supposed to just let it happen but I need to be actively doing things to put me in places to be open to the Universe. I need to take an "active" role in my life not a "passive" role. Otherwise I would sit on the couch every evening in my pj's watching a recording of Oprah or Nate Berkus eating microwavable popcorn. I need to get out of my head for a little while and just enjoy life.

Breaking these chains

Well the ex has continued to text me and call me since I first broke up with him in December and the last straw was this afternoon today. He text me and said that our/his neice asked if I left like her Dad left her Mom. He wanted to get a reaction out of me and he did. I was so upset and mad. I said "I am not a deadbeat partner who fucked someone else and did drugs and left two children behind" WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS????? He drew me into another conversation because he's good at that. He's a manipulator. He got 1000 bucks out of his mom from his father's death benefit. And TOOK IT! His mom doesn't work! She is sick with Cancer! WTF is WRONG WITH YOU????!!!!!! Then I had to go for a walk just to calm down I was so upset and while I was on my walk I thought about how I got to this place? Why had I let him continue to do this? I decided I needed to block his communication. So I also decided to go to a friends place to be distracted. I ended up spending some nice time with them both for a really enjoyable evening. I got home to find an email from his mother pretty much saying "either tell him to go or get back together because he still has hope and life is too short if you love each other etc etc" Is this a guilt tactic? Hellooooo I fucking told your son how many times???? Besides it's none of your business! End of DISCUSSION! I sent him a text saying what's wrong with your mom and he said she's missing her husband who passed away in January etc etc. I said this situation will not change (meaning me living alone and not seeing him or talking with him/ no future). I realized you just tried to get a reaction out of me when you told me about the neice this afternoon and if you contact me again I will have to contact the police. I'm done.

What I have realized is even tho I have moved out and thought I had moved on. I was still stuck I don't know how else to say it or explain it. It was me blocking the Universe from anything that could possibly give me joy. I would continue to bring that bad energy with me to whatever future relationship I had until I changed myself and how I reacted and learned from this. I am finally free!

The Moral of the Story

I have been reading lots of books lately. I never read books. Actually two friends lent me books. One was The power of intention by Wayne Dyer, the other one was He's just not that into you. I also bought Act like a lady, think like a man by Steve Harvey. I am also reading a copy of The Secret that I have had for a few years and didn't have the time or the inclination to read it. My excuses were I can't concentrate, I don't have time etc etc. So now I have lots of time, I have motivation to do so and I have a reason to read. Not that people don't have a reason but when you have a personal investment in something then it spurs you on to gain knowledge. I finished one book and I am a third of the way through on the other three. I was at the book store the other day and also asked the woman behind the counter "Do you have any books on self help - specifically for relationships and how men and women are different" She nodded and have me that sympathetic look and said "yes, we have a self help section and in that we have one specifically on relationships" I knew that look she gave me....the knowing look like "oh that poor dear, she's working out her stuff" sympathy? pity? Whatever! I'm at least trying to dig into what I could do to make myself better. Whether it be a better communicator or just a better understanding of my self and how I interact with others and how to be assertive vs aggressive. Which brings me to the next book I want to read Why men date bitches. HA HA

While reading these books I have reflected on the past years of my life in general as well as my dating life. Through high school, the bar scene, serious relationships etc. I have found when I asked for what I wanted I noticed guy's would ditch me so what I would do to compensate was I wouldn't ask for what I wanted anymore and then they would stick around. What I have found is all the books have said you need to do that, you need to ask for what you want because then you are going to get that quality person that respects you for who you are and all the things you believe in and stand for. If a guy really likes you and wants to have something more than just a Bootie call he will be willing to put in the time and be more than OK with your standards. Bootie calls are fine, if that's what you want. There is a time and a place for those but if your too busy "gettin' busy" it's going to be a cock block for mister right. Not Mister right now.

The moral of the story - be yourself. Ask for what you want, do not settle for less because your only cheating yourself.

Bye Bye Birdy

Why am I so angry? I am really struggling with happiness today.


I am pissed off first last night because this guy I liked didn't call when I wanted him too then he gave me this excuse that his cell phone died and they had a bite to eat after golf blah blah blah so he text's at 8:15pm. Ya it's not too late but he said he was going to call after golf. He didn't, his excuse is legitimate but he has also kind of blown me off in the past so I really didn't feel like being understanding. I decided to tell him that I was not going to wait around for phone call, I'm worth more than that! Why do I feel bad? I wanted it to work out. This sucks. Then to add feul to the fire I looked up my ex on twitter and his blog. Well didn't he go to California? The place that I wanted to go on for my holidays that I am using up right now as I type because I had to buy stupid tires for my car(because I'm responsible). And I wonder how he made it down there? On his minimum wage job in the car he bought with the money that he should have paid me or my mom back with? But he doesn't see it as that. He feels it is OWED to him. I am so fucking angry right now. As always his priorities are different than mine. I do want fun in my life, that is something he seems to make sure he has whatever the cost.

I have been reading the secret and the power of intention and I want to know how have I manifested this? I tried to meditate last night and practice being grateful and it worked for a little while but then I woke up this morning beginning to bubble and fester with anger again. I tried again to be grateful. Grateful for the home I bought by myself, the choices I have made, good supportive friends I have around me, the people who want to spend time with me. People who appreciate who I am. I definetly felt a push/pull with the guy. Like he wanted to keep in contact but he didn't really want to make a huge effort and everytime I wrote him off in my head he would make contact. It seemed like he wanted to just golf and hang with his buddies. To me that is someone who isn't grown up. I delt with that for the last nine years. I didn't want to go through that again.

I want the total package. I want it to be easy. I want someone to see what a great catch I am and think "WOW, if I don't grab onto her now someone else is going to snatch her up" I want to be smitten with the guy, I want to gush about how awesome he is and how good he is and conciderate and that I'm the luckiest girl in the world. I want someone as nice and kind and caring as me.I need to remind myself I am beautiful. I am smart, I am a good person, I am worthy of a good life with all it has to offer including a wonderful loving partner. I feel crummy right now but I am going to go to the gym and bring love back into my heart because I believe I deserve better.