Would rather die.

I'm exhausted, I just want to lay down and die. I would rather just wither way in two minutes like the wicked witch of the west who got doused in water. I feel like my heart is breaking. It is tight and feels like its withering away too. Why is life so fucking hard. I am so unhappy I don't think I can even function at work anymore. I can't even make an effort because I am so physically and mentally exhausted. I came home this morning after a night shift and he's got some list of a plan for the next year. Why is he doing this now? Probably he has the feeling that I am done. I am so sad. How did I get to this place? I just don't think I want to go through with the plan. Change the mortage to lower payments so as to pay down the credit card debt? Plan on penalty IF we sell the real estate. He gets a second job. He thinks if he works part time that he'll be able to make enough to pay for the mortgage, strata and pay for his credit card? That would not be enough money. Then also put away money for 3 holidays for the year? This is just grasping at straws. Right now the market is flooded with condo's. We'll be lucky if we even sell it. I feel like I'm way in over my head and I just want out. This is never going to change and its just a bandaid to bide some time. I just don't know why he's making this effort now? Last minute? This is always the pattern of him. Talk talk talk, no motivation, me moping, then him with a "plan" and then debt debt debt, shuffling money here to there, to here but not paying anything down. No savings for retirement. Is this all there is? Well it fucking sucks. I hate myself, I hate my life.

Can't stop believing!

I feel good today. I feel empowered. It snowed the night before last and so I didn't tell him it was over because I didn't want to move this weather. Excuse? Probably. So he was trying to do the honeymoon phase on Sunday by taking me for coffee and dessert. This also happens when he's grouchy and bitchy at me then feels bad about it. Negative cycle! I knew what he was doing. The whole time I was listening to him talk I noticed how negative he was. He hates everyone. Or he just hates himself and so it's projected towards everyone. So today I went and workout with my trainer today and she, I'm sure is so tired of these emotional ups and downs. She's seen me go through my sad, crying upset phase then my quiet, everything is ok phase. She said something that made me think about things. I said how once a year around this time I get so unhappy and I wonder if its me or him that's the problem. And she said maybe it's that you actually see what's really is. That he's using you, he has a free ride and your unhappy and in a loveless negative relationship. More that he's a con man and plays the mind games on you so you believe or want to believe in him. Since I have let myself look past the breakup to the future I have so much energy. I feel like there are endless possibilities and I feel like I have hope again. I feel like I have control over my life again. I can do anything. I don't want to ever feel like I did this past week. I felt this same way when I talked with a councillor who told me to make a five year plan and then plan how I was going to make it happen. It was exciting!

Grouchy and Ungrateful vs Rose colored glasses

I'm grouchy. I think I'm PMS'ing. I just came off nights and maybe slept about 3 hours. I started back on the wildrose cleanse. I feel like shit. Been eating like shit and been beating myself up. Unhappiness then guilt then eating bad then more feeling of guilt. Bad cycle. I'm tired. So very tired. Why is life so hard? or am I just making it hard on myself due to my fear of confrontation? Am I just expecting too much out of life? Have I been in a crappy situation for so long I don't think that there is anything better? Am I ungrateful for what I have? Everyone has issues. Am I just a spoilt brat? Do I not see what I have that's before my eye's? I own my place, I have a car, a full time job that pays well. I have my health. I have a guy that will try to do almost anything to make me happy. Almost. Yet I am unhappy. Does it really come down to money? The same values? The same job ethic? Things in common? I am just so tired of beating this dead horse. Should I just accept it? Accept what I have? How come I feel like I'm settling? Does everyone go through this? Is this it? Doesn't every girl want a guy who is madly in love with her. Yes. Who loves her for who she is? yes. But I seem to need or what the "total package" is it as elusive as the sashquatch? Ogopogo? or the Yeti? This really sucks.

It's not going to change so why stick around?

I think the beginning of the end was in 2006 when we had friends stay over and my boyfriend had left his computer open for them to use. I didn't trust him anyway so I went snooping through his email to find something, any sort of evidence that confirmed my rational for being insecure. And I found it, emails in his drafts that were between him and some girl. Nothing saying anything about me, his girlfriend or the house we bought or anything. I went cold, all the blood drained out of my body and my head started to spin. The friends who had been staying with us came into the room and said whats wrong? The could tell by the look on my face. There were lots of emails. I can't even remember what they said but I started to print them off. I called him at work and said it was over. I'm done. In my heart I had been betrayed. He rushed home I guess and our friends took off, not wanting to see the fall out I'm sure. He said it was nothing, some girl from Sweden. Why are you talking to her? Why not talk to me? Why didn't you tell me you were talking to her? why did you save her emails? My heart was now black. It was over for me. I was guarded now. I thought everything had been great. Mind you, whenever I wanted people over for dinner on the weekend, we would be chatting after dinner and he would be getting changed and I would ask "where are you going?" Out he'd say. Why we have company? Well I want to go to the bar. WTF for? We have people over. Well I'm going out. He was a selfish prick. I wanted to sell the house and part ways. He said he felt tied down. Wanted to leave town, go travelling. Yet, he never had money, always borrowed off me. Put a lean on my vehicle for what he said was "student loans" he was terrible with money. And he wanted to be a financial planner. Big dreams. Champagne taste on a beer budget. So we sold the house, paid down all the bills that had gotten wracked up over the year and moved in with my mother. He said "this will be great, we can save up and go travelling." Which we did but I wasn't going to live with my crazy mother for years. Fuck that. The whole time I was trying to figure out how to get out of this mess of a "relationship" with him. He did nothing to try to build back the trust, he would just turn it around on me. So while we were travelling in Costa Rica he proposed. He did it in a weird way by asking some stupid senario question and I said "No, that would be for all the wrong reasons." But he did it anyways. As per usual, he did what he wanted to do, taking me into some cheap jewelry store and told me to pick out a ring. I had thought, he didn't hear a word I said. Finally I picked out a ring, later finding out it was a CZ and 40 bucks USdollars. Later he also told me he thought I was going to break up with him and so he proposed. NOT the way I wanted that to play out. Once we got back we started looking at something to buy in realestate. I had promised myself after buying the house I would never buy anything with him again because I didnt' want our names on anything together that would effect my credit and here I was going back on the promise to myself. So what I decided to do was to get something under a certain value of dollars that I could afford on my own incase he didn't have a job. Hmmmm RED FLAG! I was already protecting myself. Eventually he goes with this Finacial planning group and starts "working" well when your self employed it really means unemployed. So now I am paying for his half of the mortgage, the payments on the car that he has secured on my vehicle that I don't drive and his credit card payments. And he says to me "baby, just wait, soon I will be able to take care of you and you'll only have to work part time" ya right while you put me and you in the poor house or bankrupt. So then he wants to take the downpayment I have put on the condo out to help pay the bills to make it "easier on me" As I am stressed to the MAX! Ya thanks! FUCKER. So we go that route for about a year, he starts asking my mom for money... without me knowing. Or my mom telling me! Then he wants to refinace the mortgage again. I put my foot down. No way. But what do I do, I go talk to my mortgage broker and he lays it out for me. You can't do this. It's not a good idea. You need to get out. Me all the while wanting to believe in what my fiance is saying but in my heart knowing it feels wrong. I decide to say no. So now he hates the mortgage broker and thinks he's an idot and an asshole and how could he do that? I guess it was visible at work of my stress because my Manager came up to me and asked me if I was ok. I broke down, absolutedly lost it, crying etc. told her the situation and she suggested going and seeing a councillor. Over the course of 3 months I went to talk for an hour to a councillor. By the end of it she told me we were two different kinds of people and that no matter how much we loved each other eventually the differences will be to great to overcome. And she straight out asked me if I was afraid of him and I said no. I know how it works. She said for some reason you are holding back. You obviously want to leave but you can't for some reason.

I think I don't look forward to anything or get excited about anything is because I think it will never happen. I have been heartbroken before and I don't want to get my hopes up and be let down. An example is going to look at wedding dresses because it will end in divorce, thinking about children because I will be left to be the primary caregiver with no emotional, physical or financial support and because I am worried about how kids are treated in school and how society is now. I don't get my hopes up for a new home because I feel I can only depend on myself. I know it must be a fucked up way of thinking and I wonder if its because of my upbringing. I was encouraged to get a good paying job that I will be able to take care of myself because you can depend on a man because he will either leave you or die. I had a boyfriend say to me once "you expect too much". Is that true? Am I expecting something that is totally unattainable? So I wasn't taught how to look for good qualities in a man. I think I have a really dismal outlook on life. As I look over my posts I think wow, this is really depressing. I think its time I got out of this funk. I need a plan. So I looked around and thought who in my life do I look at and think they have a nice life? The total package? I have two sets of couples who are friends who I think are doing well for themselves. They both seem happy and content. They are married and have been married for at least 4 years or more the both have children. The husband works and comes home in the evening, the husbands don't party but they have their outlets either dirtbiking or computer stuff. They LOVE their wives and children. The wives are strong and know what they want. They both have their own hobbies and seem content. They both love to cook and have outside social groups that they attend. Neither of them are working right now. But prior to their pregnancies they were. The one knew from the beginning she wanted children the other could have gone either way. I think they are happy. I mean they don't advertise their problems but what is a problem to one could be manageable by another. I've always said you have to pick your battles. My one friend keeps things simple. She gets outside once a day, she eats whole foods, she has a routine with her hubby to take time for each other and she makes time for herself by having him look after their child. She is very thoughtful in her actions but she is also fun and spontaneous. I have been complaining to her about my situation since we've known each other. She's very supportive but I'm sure she's tired of hearing my broken record. I know my guy loves me but we have nothing in common as far as I can see. He doesn't like to hike or go for walks (unless its in a different country) He doesn't want to workout or be healthy, he watches tv way too much. He likes to drink and I don't. He wants to move and is restless all the time. He is fixated on something that happened 13 years ago and can't get over it. And he has a bad temper and a vendictive side that is ugly. Now I'm sure your thinking, what the hell did you see in him? At the time I felt comforted and safe but as I got to know him it wasn't all the time. Maybe I waited for it to get better? He was what I needed at the time? I told my friends they should just arrange my marriage as I am a poor judge of a partner. Maybe I need to talk to a professional who can set me straight.

Somethings never change.

So I have been MIA for the last year. What happened? I called off the wedding. Nope, I didn't get married but yes he and I are still together. Why? Because I'm waiting for it to get better. Yes I am crazy. Give my head a shake! So he got a job. A minimum wage job, nothing is wrong with that. He tried to appease me. Then he got a good job. A really good job but he didn't like the people in the office. He didn't like the clients that he worked with. He sabbotaged his job and got "dismissed" due to the fact he "didn't fit in with the culture". Then because he worked a certain amount of time he could collect EI while he looked for a job he "really liked" so he collected EI for April to November. I think he's just a lazy fucker and doesn't want to work anymore. He's already complaining about the current job he just got hired at. He "doesn't want to go to work" ~ Hello! Who the fuck does, but we do it anyway! During this past year I went to visit a friend twice in Cupertino. I also went to Hawaii twice~ once for his 40th birthday which he points out he paid for....Ya you know what? I fucking pay for alot here too bucko! And you never pay me back! He said something to me a few days ago that does ring really true ~ "its like we don't want the same things anymore, we're not on the same page" And he's right. I don't want to go travel and teach English. I don't want to live like a vagabon in rags and live out of a bag like he does and the more time goes by he continues to try to go that way. I want a home that feels warm and full of energy. We sit in the living room with him watching TV and I sit on the computer waiting to have an interaction with someone on Facebook. Is it because I don't really want to interact with him anymore? Is it because in the back of my mind I realize this is over and I am just trying to escape my own reality? Anyways back to travelling, yes I love it and yes it was the one thing he and I had in common but that was it. So I also went with my mom to Hawaii for her 60th birthday. It was ok but we don't have a lot in common. I don't know if I just don't have the gift of small talk or if I just have no energy to make an effort in my life right now. Anyways, I have neglected myself and just gone through the motions this year and where has it gotten me? I have neglected myself by not exercising. I actually think I'm depressed and when I went to ask my Doctor about it she said it was my current situation and that I was not "Clinically Depressed". I have been calling in sick at work a lot, which isn't good. I have been looking for work that is strickly days as nights really makes me feel pretty yucky. I have sent out a few resumes but I didn't really put the effort in so I am not suprised that I didn't get a response. While both we were apart this fall: he was in his home town spending time with his sick father and I was gone with my mom he asked me if I missed him. I felt overwhelming guilt. I didn't really miss him. Then I thought why? Because we don't interact? spend time together? He feels that living together under the same roof is spending time together. I think interacting is spending time together but for us it will be him talking and me listening. And he talks alot. Non stop, in circles. He talks about what he wants and thinks I should too because its for my best interest. Ya right. He doesn't listen to me, or he says he listens but then doesn't do as I ask. Which is a long standing issue for me. I am tired. Very, very tired.

I think on the outside I probably look pretty put together but I think I'm a really good faker right now.