Head in the sand

For the last two years... who am I kidding, for a long time I have been unhappy but it wasn't until I started to do something for myself that I really realized it. It started January 11, 2009. I started on a journey of what I just thought was a contest. A contest to lose some weight and make me feel a little better. It was tough, I had to exercise and write in a journal about my food and exercise and what I felt when I was eating something that wasn't on the plan. I realized I was an emotional eater. But along the way I found out the route of the unhappiness wasn't the weight it was a by product of things I wasn't willing to admit to myself, things I stuffed down and then put food on top of it to give me a false sense of comfort. What a joke. Somewhere along the way over the last few years I lost self respect for myself and in turn I let people disrespect me as well. I blew it off, whatever. Who cares? fuck you. As I started to lose the weight I found that I hadn't done anything for myself for a long time. I sacrificed my happiness. I became the Parent, the caregiver, the stupid fucking doormat and bank. I let it happen because I thought thats what you do when you decide to spend the rest of your life with one person, one mate, for a lifetime. Don't get me wrong, I am NO virgin. Its not like I'm naive. I get shit. I see things. But was I ever bullshitted, now maybe I am partially to blame. Did I choose not to see it? Did I over look things? Maybe, yes probably. Is it because I thought I couldn't do any better? maybe, yes probably. Is it because I thought I might not be smart enough? or too old? or not thin enough? or that I thought he was honest? caring? That I couldn't do it myself? It was a false sense of security. It was all a smoke screen, a fog that hovers over the ground but you can still make out the land. Over time, as fog does it burns off and you see it for what it really is. And that is painful. More painful that I have ever felt before. It hurts because I feel taken, conned, betrayed, bullshitted. I see it for what it really is. Get along ok, its comfortable but does not have the same life plan as one another. Different values, priorities, and goals. That is not just leaving your socks on the floor or your underwear behind the bathroom door. This is huge. I was supposed to get married next year. Its not going to happen. With him anyways, and I am sad and grieving but I do not see a future. It is so muddy and cloudy and muddled.