Ugly Duckling

I'm feeling pretty ugly today. Both inside and out. I feel like shit, been eating like crap for weeks, months even. I'm getting my rag. Yes I said rag. I hate feeling this way a week before I start. I get totally crazy, either crying or self loathing, guilt etc. I find I am so down in the dumps lately. I don't know if its because of my current life situation or if its hormones or if I am actually becoming depressed. I am sad because I am treating the person I live with like crap because I feel like crap because of his behavior but now instead of one person being miserable two people are miserable. He's upset because I am always upset and I'm upset that he's trying to fix things. WHAT? That just doesn't make sense. Doesn't someone want to have a partner to help fix things, try and make it work? Why hit bottom and then try? Is that what couples who are married for 50 years have done? Are they still in love? or because you know your head is on the chopping block? And when things are ok are you going to be the louse who goes out to the bar again? Chooses your friends over the person your supposed to marry? I told him I was going on vacation, alone, to see a friend. Even my mom has noticed he is not his outgoing self. Maybe its because he knows the answer too. That he fucked up, too many times and now he can't fix it. He can't charm his way out of this mess. Or is it me? Do I just chronically complain and I should be happy with what I have? Would someone else be happy with this? Am I just over analysing this to death and I'm just procrastinating?If I did have a guy who had all the things that I wanted would I then complain that he was boring or never wanted to do anything? Is my sisterinlaw right? Am I just too picky?

I have decided I need to start eating clean now, starting tomorrow. Its going to be hard. Hard like when I first started it in January. I am quitting coffee again. For a while and doing the herbal tea. Vegies, meat, fiber, water, herbal tea. And exercising regularly again. Start with 20minutes a day and add five minutes every day until I'm up to 45 minutes. And also breaking up the cardio sessions am and pm, if I can't get the full 45 in at that moment. It should be easier on my days off.

Emotionally brittle

I'm feeling pretty brittle today. I don't feel I can deal with work today. I am hoping nothing will have to take too much effort as I can barely cope. My home life is in the toilet. I am avoiding intimacy with my partner but he just thinks its stress about work. I have tears bubbling just below the surface and I'm ready to explode at any time. I don't think I will be an asset to my job today. I wish I could take a mental health day but its just one more shift. Breath, breath, breath. Todays affirmation is ~ I am drawing in an unlimited supply of Universal energy right now. I am recharging myself now with energy and light.

Things that make me happy and things I don't have to deal with anymore

Puppies, hugs, a planning future, friends, laughing, being inappropriate, goals, accomplishing goals, paying my own way. A feeling of accomplishment, creamy sweet coffee, making a good meal for someone I care about (friends, family, loves), giving, love, dressing up, doing something for myself, traveling, planning, a new home, planning holidays, getting my hair done.

Things that make me feel good but I don't know it until after its over are:

Exercise, getting things off my chest, eating right, working hard and waiting for the end result, getting to the gym, getting to the top of a mountain, breaking up with someone, letting go.

Things I won't have to put up with anymore :

Debt, Borrowing money, borrowing my car, telling me what I should do, listening to plans that I will end up paying for in the end, incesant talking, "you know what your problem is", having plans made and then being stood up, being used, being disrespected, being fucked, being a doormat, being a bank, being a pushover, being the heavy, being the responsible one all the time, sacrificing my happiness or my pleasure for someone else who takes me for granted, my life will no longer feel on HOLD, I won't have to repeat myself three times to have myself heard then have a meltdown for change, waiting for my 40year old boyfriend to come home after a night of drinking at 3, 4, or 5am. Wondering what he's doing for 3hours after the bar has closed. Having someone put a lean on your stuff that you own to pay off their debt and then ending up paying the payments, dealing with a manipulator who uses your good nature and loyalty against you, a selfish bastard, a con man, grabbing my boobs in public, the resentment that I feel that has caused anxiety, stress, heart palpatations, weightgain, saddness, unrest and insomnia. Unable to trust.

Wow, I just read over this and thought "if a girlfriend told me she put up with this I would tell her she is being abused and brainwashed and needs to get the fuck out, NOW" Holy shit. WTF just happened?

Todays affirmation~I make changes purposefully and consciously. I am in charge of my destiny

I think about what is right and working in my life. I focus on the positive.

So I have decided I must move towards my goals and dreams. If I continue to wallow in sadness and grief it will cause anxiety and fear to chip away at what I truely want in life. So I will list in point form what I want and why I want it.

1) Career - I am happy with my job at the moment but I think I would like to go back to school and finish my degree. Get another full time job where I don't have to work nights.

2) Friendships - Continue to meet people with like interests, values and motivations. I want to surround myself in supportive, loving, strong loyal friends.

3) Love Relationships - Meet someone with like interests, values and goals. Someone trusting, caring, loving, loyal. Someone with integrity, genuine, kind, giving, grounded, mature, smart, someone like me. Humourous, fun, silly, serious when appropriate. High on life. And equal and independant partner who likes to travel, has there own means.

4) Family/children- I'm not sure about children, I think if I had the right partner then things would fall into place.

5) Leisure/hobbies/interests - Hiking, outdoorsy stuff, travelling to other countries, art, dinner with friends, movies, I want to travel 1-2 times a year, go to art museums, live theatre, concerts, warm places for holidays. Take a class or join a group. Arts and crafts, painting.

Resources for these goals..

Student loan, grants
passions - animals
skills - organized, prioritizes well, finishes goals, creative,
people - CFP, Mortgage broker, school councillor, family, friends, paper, internet,

FINANCES
a) pay off debt
b) make a plan with CFP for savings and monthly budget
c)retire by 50-55 with a large nest egg
d)own property close to my job as well as a second property on a lake with a dock and a view (doesn't have to be a mansion it can be a little cabin)
e)Travel continues after retirement.
f) councilling on selfesteem.

So far I have contacted a Broker for pre approval, I have scoped out some possible homes to purchase both house and condo's, I have contacted the realtor to sell what I own now. I have looked into schooling (minimally) I have given my friends a heads up for a move in the near future and they are supportive and have offered their help. Whew! I have started to arrange a trip with my mom in a year from now for her birthday. I am getting excited about my dreams. I can actually see a future now. Before trying to visualize a future with him was so murky and unforseeable.

The world is my oyster.

Head in the sand

For the last two years... who am I kidding, for a long time I have been unhappy but it wasn't until I started to do something for myself that I really realized it. It started January 11, 2009. I started on a journey of what I just thought was a contest. A contest to lose some weight and make me feel a little better. It was tough, I had to exercise and write in a journal about my food and exercise and what I felt when I was eating something that wasn't on the plan. I realized I was an emotional eater. But along the way I found out the route of the unhappiness wasn't the weight it was a by product of things I wasn't willing to admit to myself, things I stuffed down and then put food on top of it to give me a false sense of comfort. What a joke. Somewhere along the way over the last few years I lost self respect for myself and in turn I let people disrespect me as well. I blew it off, whatever. Who cares? fuck you. As I started to lose the weight I found that I hadn't done anything for myself for a long time. I sacrificed my happiness. I became the Parent, the caregiver, the stupid fucking doormat and bank. I let it happen because I thought thats what you do when you decide to spend the rest of your life with one person, one mate, for a lifetime. Don't get me wrong, I am NO virgin. Its not like I'm naive. I get shit. I see things. But was I ever bullshitted, now maybe I am partially to blame. Did I choose not to see it? Did I over look things? Maybe, yes probably. Is it because I thought I couldn't do any better? maybe, yes probably. Is it because I thought I might not be smart enough? or too old? or not thin enough? or that I thought he was honest? caring? That I couldn't do it myself? It was a false sense of security. It was all a smoke screen, a fog that hovers over the ground but you can still make out the land. Over time, as fog does it burns off and you see it for what it really is. And that is painful. More painful that I have ever felt before. It hurts because I feel taken, conned, betrayed, bullshitted. I see it for what it really is. Get along ok, its comfortable but does not have the same life plan as one another. Different values, priorities, and goals. That is not just leaving your socks on the floor or your underwear behind the bathroom door. This is huge. I was supposed to get married next year. Its not going to happen. With him anyways, and I am sad and grieving but I do not see a future. It is so muddy and cloudy and muddled.