Bye Bye Birdy

Why am I so angry? I am really struggling with happiness today.


I am pissed off first last night because this guy I liked didn't call when I wanted him too then he gave me this excuse that his cell phone died and they had a bite to eat after golf blah blah blah so he text's at 8:15pm. Ya it's not too late but he said he was going to call after golf. He didn't, his excuse is legitimate but he has also kind of blown me off in the past so I really didn't feel like being understanding. I decided to tell him that I was not going to wait around for phone call, I'm worth more than that! Why do I feel bad? I wanted it to work out. This sucks. Then to add feul to the fire I looked up my ex on twitter and his blog. Well didn't he go to California? The place that I wanted to go on for my holidays that I am using up right now as I type because I had to buy stupid tires for my car(because I'm responsible). And I wonder how he made it down there? On his minimum wage job in the car he bought with the money that he should have paid me or my mom back with? But he doesn't see it as that. He feels it is OWED to him. I am so fucking angry right now. As always his priorities are different than mine. I do want fun in my life, that is something he seems to make sure he has whatever the cost.

I have been reading the secret and the power of intention and I want to know how have I manifested this? I tried to meditate last night and practice being grateful and it worked for a little while but then I woke up this morning beginning to bubble and fester with anger again. I tried again to be grateful. Grateful for the home I bought by myself, the choices I have made, good supportive friends I have around me, the people who want to spend time with me. People who appreciate who I am. I definetly felt a push/pull with the guy. Like he wanted to keep in contact but he didn't really want to make a huge effort and everytime I wrote him off in my head he would make contact. It seemed like he wanted to just golf and hang with his buddies. To me that is someone who isn't grown up. I delt with that for the last nine years. I didn't want to go through that again.

I want the total package. I want it to be easy. I want someone to see what a great catch I am and think "WOW, if I don't grab onto her now someone else is going to snatch her up" I want to be smitten with the guy, I want to gush about how awesome he is and how good he is and conciderate and that I'm the luckiest girl in the world. I want someone as nice and kind and caring as me.I need to remind myself I am beautiful. I am smart, I am a good person, I am worthy of a good life with all it has to offer including a wonderful loving partner. I feel crummy right now but I am going to go to the gym and bring love back into my heart because I believe I deserve better.

Sorry?

Sorry? What does that really mean? Sorry I called bullshit on you? Sorry I wouldn't put up with a half ass excuse? Sorry you got caught? I think those sorry's are full of shit and if I slapped you shit would fly....oh wait is that a little bullshit on the side of your mouth? I thought so.

Whatever chump. Don't play me. I just got nine years of training on playin'.

If you know me, you love me.

So in my balls out style I am not one to sit there and wait. I am impatient. So very impatient. I am used to setting my mind to something and getting it. So this is no stretch of the imagination. I needed to know. I had to break the ice I had to let my freak fly!

So I texted him. Mister text-a-holic. My text non-boyfriend who I'm not dating. I wrote "I have 39 and a half minutes free. You wanna make out?"

Yes, that's what I wrote. I wrote it and I sent it. Either way I will know if he's not that into me. Or it will open the dialogue that maybe touches on the subject of "look I'm not interested in a textual relationship; I would actually like to see you." But let me tell ya, it was freakin' scary typing those words...thinking "what if he says ya ok! or no not interested, or whatever....but oh well. I will know and make a decision from that response.

Dude! Wake up and smell the pheromones!

"The purest union that can exist between
a man and a woman is that created
by the sense of smell and sanctioned
by the brain's normal assimilation
of the animate molecules emitted
by the secretions produced by two bodies
in contact and sympathy,
and in their subsequent evaporation."
(Auguste Galopin in "The Perfume of Women and the Sense of Smell in Love")

Taking a breather

Ok, ok, I am calming down now. Peace, loving kindness, blah blah blah...

I think because this behavior bewilders me that it is not in my best interest to continue to stay in contact with this person.

Buck up and be a man or shove off dude.

I got shit to do.

Why are men so fucking stupid or rephrase that - Why am I so stupid for waiting around????

WTF? MEN!

I read the book. WHY OH WHY IS HE STILL TEXTING ME???? Why not just ask me on a date? Are you stringing me along? Are you interested or just being polite?

Jesus Christ just shit already or get off the pot!

OK my rant is done.

Random Act's of Kindness

Today I was coming home from the gym and I could see a girl struggling with this huge chest of drawer's in her hand (plastic not wood people) anyways I said to her I'll get the door for you. Her face lit up and she said "oh thankyou" I got the door and hit the elevator button and all of this took a matter of seconds and it totally made her day and it made my day too.

I like to help people it makes me feel good.

Life long learning

I always thought when I heard "Life long learning" (it was drilled into my head in nursing school)it was about keeping up with education and the current medical procedures etc. Now I come to realize that it just doesn't end at your workplace, it actually belongs in all aspects of your life as a human being. I've always thought of myself as openminded but I think I can be quite narrowminded in my presumptive assumptions of people in general as "first impressions" go. I have found that you have no idea what is going on at all. I simply don't know squat!

I have been reevaluating my life a lot lately. As a new single person getting to know myself again and jumping into the dating scene and realizing my own behaviors, insecurities and reactions to things. Then I was getting hard on myself thinking "what is wrong with me?" the what if's, why's, overanalysing. I second guessed my intuition. Then a friend lent me a book. It was a "aha" moment as Oprah would say. I could now let go of the shoulda woulda coulda. I felt like I was a bit of a failure. I thought what makes me feel good? and happy? and what makes me feel successful? I realized my job did and setting goals and obtaining them. I was getting satisfaction out of that because I new at least I could do a good job there even if I felt like I had poor luck/choices/etc in the love department.

I set goals and I attain them. You can see where I'm getting at. To be a nurse I had to go to school and learn about biology, chemistry all the systems of the human body and how if functions and reactions to medications based on chemistry and such. I can't set a goal in the romance department because you are dealing with another human being with it's own mind, judgments, values ideas etc. And CHEMISTRY but you can't measure it - you can however FEEL it! I guess I could try taking a class but I would have no idea where to start. But would that help me to find someone? Someone who liked me for me? Or would it help me with "relationships" in general with people? There comes a point where you just have to throw up your hands and say - Hey, this is me. I am who I am with all my quirks and baggage and someone is either going to like you or they are not and you have to be ok with that.

As Joe Dirt would say "Keep on keepin' on"