I am lovable just as I am right now.

I have been dating. Not seriously dating but I have gone on some dates since January. I find the biggest thing for me is to just be myself and not be impatient or rush things. I have found in the past if I like someone I tend to overcompensate by texting or emailing or making the first move in communication when I should just let it be.I think I am too forward and rush things. I end up probably pushing away guys because they think I'm clingy. I on the other hand think I know what I want. I want a man, not a boy. A man who will pursue me. I want someone who is kind, caring, conciderate, compassionate, thoughtful, goal oriented, has the same priorities as me, sensual, sexy, respectful, loving...an equal partner. Someone who reflects who I am but also brings out the best in me. I need to set healthy boundaries and not get my own needs ignored. I want to know that I am not the only one making the effort. It starts at the beginning. I have asked friends advice on dating since I haven't dated in about a decade! And it feels pretty strange to me. I find I get nervous, an upset stomach, my hands get cold, my knee's get weak I worry about what to wear, how to dress, too much cleavage, not enough then they don't find me attractive, too much and I'm easy, not too doudy but some style. Not too much jewelry, how do I wear my hair? then I realize I am overreacting way too much. I have to talk to myself down and say "Pull yourself together, it's just a fucking date. You are going to be o.k. whether it goes well or not". So I asked my friends "what do I do, should I call etc" Some say no - never call, wait for his move and others say ya, call, be yourself. Lots of advice but at the end of the day like I said I have to be myself, get out there, get exposed (so to speak)Practice makes perfect! I have just learned about this 3 day rule?? Wtf is with that? I have done my homework on eharmony website to learn more about "successful dating" etc. Like remembering men and woman date at different pace. Men take it slow initally after they make contact or have a first date before they get serious. Who knew?

Is smiling from ear to ear

I had a date. A successful date. Why do I think it was a successful date? Eye contact! Physical contact. Smiling. Playfulness. He bought me my drink at the coffee shop and it wasn't akward. It was comfortable and nice and genuine. There was no akward pauses but comfortable silences. If I never see him again I will die a happy woman. But I really hope I have a second date. And a third, fourth...years...decades!

*sigh*

WOW!

I feel like singing the sound of music! I can't wipe this smile off my face! ~ "The hills are alive......"

Back on track

I have been trying to get back into the gym. I find I feel better when I have had a good sweat. I know I have a long way to go since I have been pretty inactive this past year but no time like the present! Lots of time on my hands. Once I get the activity down then I have to get the food back in order and my daily vitamins which I am hit and miss about but I notice when I don't take them. I got a lot done today. I exercised this morning, then had a friend over for coffee and a light brunch. I drove out to see my mom and get my hair done. I went for a walk, did some grocery shopping and meal prep for the next few weeks. I got some bills paid today as well. I feel like my life is getting on track.

Leaps and bounds

So it's been just over a week I have been in my new home. It feels really good to know I have done this on my own. Not without a little help from my friends that is for sure. But to realize your own strength and potential. Occasionally I get lonely in the evening since there is nothing to occupy my time as I have unpacked everything now. Really, how many times can you fold and organize your underwear drawer? I reflect over the last few months - I have become single, lived with two different families, house sat three different homes, paid off some debt, sold one home and purchased another, moved three times, got a new job in a completely new environment with completely new people. I changed my gym membership of fourteen years and haven't completely lost my mind and only got one parking ticket and one speeding ticket. And no one died. I say that is something to celebrate! Woohoo! And as I sit here itching to do something I say to myself "Now what?" I pulled out my art today and thought I must do this when I am feeling lonely and bored. Also I thought I should work on my VISION's board for my long term and short term goals for the future. Once I make my mind up on something I become focused and I make shit happen. I like when that happens, I hate floundering like a fish. There is also something to be said for routine and tradition. I enjoyed spending time with my last friends who had a routine of a fun food night on Friday and hanging out watching particular shows together. It gives you something to look forward to in the short term. I guess what I have realized is maybe I have put the grieving process on hold a little bit by living with people and keeping busy but now it real. I must remind myself why I left and that it wasn't really the last straw but many many bundles of twig's over time that built up to this thing over time. A big calcification around my heart. No matter how much "I promise" or how many times he says "I have changed" it still doesn't erase the behavior that went on over time. I just shake my head with the comments like "all the things I've done to you doesn't even measure up to how cruel you were over the phone" "you gave your last boyfriend three chances" "we're both not getting any younger I want to be married to you and have children and I know we can get through this" "you didn't try hard enough, we should have went for councilling" etc etc etc. I was a caring, supportive partner for many years. I was understanding and wanted him to want to be a better person. I finally realized that he was who he was and that I was wanting something different out of life and I knew he couldn't give it to me. He didn't want to give it to me. He didn't want to give it to himself, or even knew what he wanted and at 40 years old you should have your shit worked out by then. I am grateful for he has given me the gift of getting to know myself better.